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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25373095">1969</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonessryu/pseuds/demonessryu'>demonessryu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Fingering, Awkward Kissing, Awkward Sexual Situations, Developing Relationship, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Love Confessions, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Secret Crush, Sleeping Together, Smile (Band) Era, attempted sciencing, they won't go all the way in this fic so manage your expectation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:08:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25373095</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonessryu/pseuds/demonessryu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One weekend in 1969, Brian turned twenty two, watched the moon landing, and found out that his new best friend was in love with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brian May/Roger Taylor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>88</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I’d saved this plot since last year. I was too late for Brian’s birthday but after watching a Moon Landing documentary, I got inspired. I’ve always been curious about the timing. I’d imagine Brian want to celebrate his birthday with his family and since his father was very into science, I thought they would've wanted to watch the moon landing together the next day. I wonder what brought Brian to Roger’s mum’s, although since Smile and their entourage were with him, I assume there was a gig.</p><p>This fic is ~16k long so I'll split them into three chapters. So, you know, get ready.</p><p>Happy birthday to the only person in the world who is both an astrophysicist and a rock legend, Dr. Brian May!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>ideas and envisioning shit! I can do those!</p><p>At the first hint of a slowing car, Brian perked up. He looked out of the window eagerly and, upon seeing the familiar van, grinned and quickly grabbed his guitar and bag.</p><p>“I’ve got to go now,” he informed his parents, barely able to keep excitement out of his face.</p><p>“Have fun, dear,” his mother said. She handed him a box of leftover birthday cake with the instruction to share it with everyone and a small bag of pastries for Roger’s mum, who had kindly agreed to accommodate the group for a weekend. Brian’s mum smiled when he kissed her in thanks. “Happy birthday again.”</p><p>Unlike Brian’s mother, his father didn’t look entirely happy. Brian cleared his throat and schooled his expression into that of solemn obedience. He knew his father was disappointed that he chose to spend his birthday with his friends – the first time he had done so. Brian had celebrated his birthday with friends before, of course, but they were always at home and his parents were always present. This time, for the first time, he chose to only spend the morning with them before going to Cornwall with his friends, where he would spend at least two nights at Roger’s mum’s. If the change in habit didn’t disappoint Brian’s father enough, moon landing was expected to take place the tomorrow night. It was humanity’s first, but on a more personal level it was also a significant event for both Brian and his father, who shared his dreams in pursuing astrophysics, in being a man of science. And yet Brian had chosen to share this historic moment with his friends rather than his father.</p><p>Brian fully understood his father’s disappointment. The decision had bothered him for weeks, in fact, keeping him awake many nights. He hated letting people down, especially his loved ones. However, he also felt like he needed to spread his wings a little. His college life had so far been rather dull – his awkwardness around women more pronounced now that he was in a mixed environment and his friends expected him to, well, do more than look at women from a distance. Smile had helped him out of his shell by making him perform in front of a crowd, thus (surprisingly) drawing women to him instead of forcing him to approach women first, and introducing him to Roger, who was his exact opposite that Brian couldn’t help but stare at him in confusion and admiration sometimes. For the first time in his adult life he found himself good friends – perhaps even best friends – and Brian wanted to spend more time with them.</p><p>In the end, a gig near Roger’s mum’s made the decision for him. Brian’s father was still disappointed, but at least Brian now had a reason to go on his birthday beside preferring to be with his friends instead of his parents. Brian promised to himself that he would spend more time with his dad to make up for it later. He knew he owed it to both of them to make up for missing sharing this momentous experience together.</p><p>“Enjoy your birthday,” Brian’s father finally said.</p><p>He offered his hand and Brian shook it gratefully. “Thank you, dad.”</p><p>His father’s blessing acquired, Brian left. To his surprise, he found Roger walking down the pathway to the house. Brian did a little jog to reach him, grinning all the while. Their frequent arguments aside, he had come to like Roger and even started to think of him as a very good friend – an even closer friend than Tim was to him. It was the appeal of the “opposite attract,” he supposed. They were so different that Brian could trust Roger to balance him out when he was too lost in his head, to offer a counter opinion from a perspective Brian couldn’t even begin to imagine sometimes. He was fun, too, seemingly living entirely to experience all the pleasures the world had to offer. It terrified Brian to watch him sometimes, but it also fascinated him to watch someone so utterly unrestrained and shameless in his pursuit of his dreams and desires. Around him, Brian began to think about a career in music that was far removed from the field he was pursuing. He still didn’t dare to fully abandon science, but the allure of music got stronger and stronger with each day he spent with Roger. Brian wondered how his parents – especially his father – would react to the influence Roger had on their son, and decided he wasn’t that keen on finding out.</p><p>“Let’s go,” Brian said.</p><p>Roger looked to the house behind him. “Your parents?”</p><p>Brian nodded to assure him. He hoped he didn’t sound too pushy – he didn’t know how to tell Roger he hesitated to let his parents meet him. “I’ve told them I’m going.”</p><p>“Let’s go, then,” Roger agreed, leading him to the van.</p><p>“You’re driving?” Brian asked unnecessarily. As if Roger would let anyone else drive when he was around. “Do you bring your glasses?”</p><p>“I don’t need glasses to drive!” Roger protested, glowering.</p><p>Although Brian had his doubts (there had been a few instances where Roger obviously only saw vague outlines of things some distance from the van,) he decided not to argue, knowing Roger’s temper and pride very well by now. They got into the van and Brian was immediately assaulted by a congratulatory cry and firm pats on his shoulder from four lads stuffed into the back of the vehicle. He grinned and thanked his friends profusely while trying to protect his guitar from their overenthusiasm.</p><p>“Happy birthday, darling!” Freddie exclaimed magnanimously. “I’ve got a gift for you!”</p><p>“Thank you, Freddie,” Brian replied smilingly. Knowing Freddie, the gift was most likely a colorful article of clothing or some kind of art. Although not something Brian would pick for himself, he always loved Freddie’s odd little gifts, knowing how much thought went to every one of them. “I’ll open it later.”</p><p>“There’s still a few hours before the gig. Shall we stop at the pub first to celebrate?” Tim asked to the cheer of the rest of their friends.</p><p>However, Roger quickly rejected that. “Nah. Let’s get our stuff to my mum’s first. I don’t want to leave our instruments in the car while we get drunk.”</p><p>There was a chorus of disappointed groan, but Brian secretly smiled to Roger in gratitude. He also didn’t like the idea of leaving the Red Special in the van. As much as he would like to celebrate with his friends, he didn’t think it was a good idea to leave any valuables there while they drank, especially since he knew that they wouldn’t be happy with just a couple of pints and getting a little tipsy. They might go back to a completely ransacked van and very late to their gig. Brian also didn’t like to think about Roger driving without his glasses <em>and </em>under the influence. He was worried enough as he was. He didn’t want to fret (and thus annoy) Roger even more. The celebration unfortunately must wait.</p><p>“Who wants cake?” Brian offered to lift his friends’ spirit.</p><p>A very loud cheer answered him, rattling the old van so much Roger ended up shouting for everyone to stay still. Without knife, they had to improvise and everyone ended up with sugar and icing on their skin, hair, and clothes. There was a lot of moaning (mostly Freddie) but a lot of laughter as well. Brian ended up with a big smudge of icing on his cheek, but he didn’t mind at all, grinning and laughing until his face hurt. He smeared a bright red icing on Roger’s cheek when he laughed at him, not minding the cusses and complaints he earned. His birthday had just begun and it was shaping up to be the best Brian had had yet.</p><hr/><p>They made a quick stop to clean themselves up before reaching Roger’s mum’s house. There was some nervous shuffling around, checking and then rechecking their appearance to make sure they look presentable. Like Roger, his mum could be intimidating, albeit in a completely different way. Roger was intimidating because of his unpredictable temper, but his mum was intimidating with her quiet assessment. She had never said a single bad thing to her son’s friends, but there was always a sense that she was watching and judging their looks and behaviors. Brian had rather mixed feelings about her. As grateful he was for her kindness for helping them arrange gigs in the area and even occasionally providing them accommodation, he was often riddled with anxiety around her. He wanted to make a good impression and always feared – or thought – he was lacking.</p><p>“Mum! We’re here!” Roger shouted as he opened the front door with a bang, announcing their arrival.</p><p>Roger’s mum looked in amusement as a group of boys filtered in through her door to fill her living room. Far from their rowdiness in the car earlier, they were now quiet and on their best behavior. Even Freddie, who was usually eager to make a scene, kept quiet while she assessed her guests. Brian shuffled closer to Roger, feeling a little silly to hide behind the not-yet-a-man but also safer to be under his protection.</p><p>“I’ve had the guest bedroom prepared. I’m afraid you’ll have to share,” she said with a friendly smile.</p><p>Her guests, used to living and sleeping in cramped spaces, nodded readily. Even though they all had to share a room, it was still probably going to be better and more comfortable than their usual arrangements. At least they would have clean bed sheets and pillows, not to mention (free!) proper meal. They picked up their bags and various instruments and made their way to the familiar guest bedroom. Their steps hastened when Roger’s mum announced that she had prepared lunch for them. There was more excitement now, the tension loosening at the promise of the comfort of home, even if it wasn’t their own home. Some of them tried to peek into the dining room and Brian only just managed to not do the same. The cake felt so long ago and his growing body was already demanding more food and drinks.</p><p>Brian handed the gift for Roger’s mum and was about to follow his friends when she stopped him. “Just a moment.”</p><p>“Yes?” he asked politely, trying not to fidget under her scrutiny.</p><p>It was getting difficult to maintain a façade of calmness when she kept quiet for a while, just watching him. The faint spark of mischief in her eyes indicated she was only teasing him, but Brian was still fretful under her stare. Maturity aside, she really was similar to her son. They were both playful and had a mean sense of humor that sent Brian into a tizzy and Brian was anxious to be liked by both of them. He glanced to where Roger had gone with their friends and wished Roger was here with him. Not that Roger would help him, of course. He was more likely to just watch him unless he was sure Brian would actually got hurt, which wouldn’t happen here.</p><p>Brian blinked when Roger’s mum pulled him down and kissed his cheek. “Happy birthday, Brian.”</p><p>“Oh. I guess Roger told you?”</p><p>Roger’s mum chuckled. “He wouldn’t shut up about it. He told me all about your favorite food and made me make them for you. I’m not used to making vegetarian food, but I hope you’ll like it.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have,” Brian hurriedly said. While he had planned to celebrate with his friends, he didn’t want to bother their host. Roger’s mum had been kind enough to provide them with room and food for a couple of nights. Brian really didn’t expect any kind of special treatment than they usually had whenever they came to stay.</p><p>“Oh, no. I don’t mind cooking for Roger’s friend.” She smiled warmly. “He’s fonder of you than he lets on, you know?”</p><p>Brian frowned a little, trying to figure out if she was joking. She seemed completely earnest, however, and he couldn’t see why she would want to joke about this. Assured of the truthfulness of the statement, Brian smiled. He was glad for the confirmation that Roger liked him. Sometimes, during their squabbles, he wondered if Roger hated him or only tolerated him because they were in the same band. They didn’t always argue, of course, but the times when they did often made him wonder. It was nice to hear from Roger’s mum (whom Roger was very close to) that Roger in fact liked him. “I’m glad you said that. He’s sometimes… well.”</p><p>She laughed. “He could be very proud sometimes. I know. Now go get yourself settled and come to the dining room for lunch.”</p><p>After thanking her again, Brian followed his friends. Having stayed in the guest bedroom a few times before, he knew his way. He passed Roger’s sister’s closed door and was going to the guest bedroom (which he would’ve been able to identify by the loud voices of his friends if he hadn’t known his way) when Roger called out to him. Brian stopped outside his room. The door was open to reveal a modest-sized room containing artifacts from various stages of Roger’s life. There were photos and posters, books, magazines, a basic drum kit and even a guitar. Brian had been there briefly a few times and he was always overwhelmed by curiosity, wanting to piece together a timeline that made Roger who he was today. He was always well aware that he was intruding someone’s private space, however, and held back or otherwise didn’t stay very long. This time, he stayed at the doorway, watching Roger unpack his stuff. Most of them were clothes to wear for their gig. Even though it was just one night, Roger had brought at least a dozen of his fanciest clothes, perhaps so that he could have options. Considering Freddie was with them, it was likely that they all would have to go through several wardrobe changes before they were deemed ready to take the stage.</p><p>“Oh! I only have a couple of shirts with me,” Brian said, regretting his lack of forethought.</p><p>Roger looked up from his clothes and gave him a pointed look. “I know. I’ve brought you some stuff that will probably fit you. Anyway, you’re sleeping here,” he said, gesturing to the mattress beside his small bed.</p><p>Brian blinked rapidly in surprise. “I can sleep with the lads.”</p><p>“With four other people in that small room? You’d be lucky if you can get in at all. Just get in here,” Roger instructed impatiently.</p><p>Indeed the guest bedroom was rather small. They had stuffed half a dozen people there before, but it had been uncomfortable even for poor college students who were used to bad living conditions. Four people were perhaps its maximum limit, although Brian still hesitated to take up Roger’s offer. He entered the room tentatively, unsure of his place surrounded by things that made up Roger’s identity. He dropped his bag by the door and began tapping his thigh nervously, casting his eyes around the room. Brian saw Roger’s journal on his desk, the pages opened to reveal today’s date. There lines were full of Roger’s whimsical handwriting – a busy day, it seemed. Brian wondered if there was anything about him in there.</p><p>Seeing Brian’s uncertainty, Roger sighed. “Think of it as a treat for your birthday.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have told your mum that it’s my birthday,” Brian reprimanded him lightly, remembering the conversation he had just had. “She didn’t have to go out of her way to make anything special for me.”</p><p>Roger frowned at him. “It’s your birthday. I know you think it’s fine to spend it drinking with the lads – and we <em>will</em> do that and not come back sober tonight! – but that’s not a proper party.” He shook his head when Brian began to protest. “If you’re done here, we should have that lunch. Everyone’s hungry.”</p><p>Not wanting to keep his friends waiting for what was likely their first proper meal of the week if not the month, Brian quickly unpacked. Once done, he followed the procession of hungry college students led by Roger to the dining room. The sight that greeted them drew excited gasps and chatters. There was no cake, but a large plate of cream buns was waiting for them, accompanied by green salad and non-vegetarian options. Brian even spied some prawns almost hidden by other dishes. They gaped for a moment before enthusiastically taking their seats. Roger declared that there should be no table manners here and so they dug in, serving themselves generously. Even Brian couldn’t resist and kept refilling his plate. He had to discreetly loosen his belt after a time – he couldn’t tell when. He lost track of time with all the friends surrounding him, all the fun conversations and non-stop laughter. Roger’s mum stopped short of serving them alcoholic drink supposedly because Roger told her they would go drinking soon anyway, but no one complained. Just the good company was enough to intoxicate them with happiness.</p><p>“Here,” Roger said, putting a delectable cream bun on Brian’s plate.</p><p>“I’ve had one,” Brian refused.</p><p>But, Roger shrugged. “Have another. It’s your birthday.”</p><p>It was a logic Brian couldn’t argue with. He accepted the cream bun gratefully and savored it. It seemed to please Roger, who immediately fought for supremacy over the last bit of chicken. It made for such a sight that even his mum stood by to smile and shake her head at Roger’s antics. Surrounded by good friends and unexpected feast, Brian decided that this was definitely his best birthday yet.</p><hr/><p>The living room was briefly turned into a sea of colors after lunch when Brian was made to open his gifts. He soon found himself in possession of new books, space-related knick-knacks, a wonderful drawing of himself, and a colorful shirt accompanied by a hand drawn card. He admired each and every one and didn’t complain if they seemed rather simple as he hadn’t expected any expensive gift but rather sincere ones. Freddie’s impressive drawing was easily his favorite for it uniqueness, however, while the shirt from Roger might remain in his closet for a indeterminate time until the giver and/or Freddie managed to force him to wear it.</p><p>They got themselves ready for the gig at a local pub after. Tim and Brian got dressed rather quickly, but Roger kept asking Freddie’s opinions and ended up having to change a few times before he got Freddie’s nod of approval. The pair gave Brian a critical look and not long after, Roger threw him a dark blue vest he had brought with him “for this very reason.” It was a little too small, but it gave a nice touch to the grey shirt Brian had packed with him (which on hindsight was very plain.) Having passed Freddie’s assessment, they took the van to the pub. Then, they were absorbed in the familiar rhythm of rehearsing and preparing for the performance. Brian lost track of time for a while, completely focused on getting the sound just right. Roger and Tim had a minor squabble, but quickly resolved it, much to everyone’s relief. The crowd started to pour in, some were familiar faces who had come to their previous performances while others were fresh faces they hoped to become familiar with. They went backstage briefly to get themselves ready and then it was show time.</p><p>Time always seemed to fly whenever they performed. Brian had only known Roger a few months but it seemed that by every gig, every practice, every songwriting session, their music gelled together better and better. It was an organic thing, continuously growing in harmony. There were bits they hadn’t quite worked out (Roger was forever complaining about everyone being too slow) but Brian knew that with time they would have a fully cohesive thing, a solid combination of rhythm and melody like nothing anyone had ever heard before. Tim was great, of course, and a valuable member of Smile, but Brian felt there was something wanting in their joint performance, although he couldn’t articulate it exactly. He was sure Roger felt the same, but didn’t dare ask lest he inadvertently encouraged Roger to argue even more with Tim. There were times Brian was sure Tim would walk out after an argument with Roger. He hadn’t yet and Brian didn’t want to provoke it. He only hoped that in time, Tim would develop whatever element Brian felt was lacking and the three of them would learn to work with each other better. Smile wasn’t perfect, but it was the best band Brian had been in yet and he would hate to see it break up.</p><p>It wasn’t the large crowd Brian dreamt of, but it wasn’t the smallest crowd they’d had. The audience’s enthusiasm made up for the modest number and encouraged the performers. A satisfyingly excited cheer followed their performance. Roger came out from behind the drum kit to join Tim and Brian thanking their audience. From the look of it, it was a successful gig, but Brian had learnt that one could never be sure until they asked the audience. That was a task for Roger, who was more at ease about striking a conversation with a stranger than Brian ever was. Another thing Brian was also not good at was dealing with the potential disappointment. He already had nightmares about every little thing he thought he should’ve done better or differently in their past gigs – he didn’t need to hear people’s disapproval in person. The three of them retreated to the small room the pub provided for them to change and refresh themselves, then once they had caught their breaths, they ventured to join the crowd.</p><p>Roger was immediately swept into a small group of old friends, some of whom were girls who looked like they wanted more than his good company. Brian watched him for a moment, resisting the urge to steal him away from his friends and keep him with Brian. Roger always knew how to have a good time, but most importantly he knew how to calm Brian when he was most anxious and keep him company when he was lonely. Even if his chosen method was banter, Brian couldn’t complain too much as he had grown to enjoy the silly arguments, even looking forward to it and the making up that followed. This was Brian’s birthday, so sure it wasn’t too much to want to spend it with his good (best?) friend. But, Brian wasn’t sure he should draw Roger away from old friends that he hadn’t met in a while and joining Roger would only result in feeling more out of place than he already did in the unfamiliar pub. Unfortunately for him, in the time it took him to think, Freddie had drawn admirers somewhere in the pub, unseen but still identifiable by his voice, Tim was talking to a girl and the rest of their friends were making new acquaintances. Brian looked around him to find himself alone among strangers, then slunk off to the bar, feeling a little disappointed. He had just called the bartender’s attention when he was served a pint.</p><p>“It’s on the house. Happy birthday,” the friendly man told him.</p><p>Brian sighed. “Has Roger told everyone?” he asked in consternation.</p><p>The bartender chuckled and went to serve other customers. Sighing once again, Brian turned to look for Roger in the crowd. He wasn’t hard to miss – not because of any particularly striking feature or clothing, but because he was surrounded by the rowdiest people. Brian wondered if that was the root of the problem. Perhaps Roger couldn’t fathom that some would like a smaller celebration with small group of friends because he loved being in loud company. Brian was already satisfied with celebrating with their small band and friends. Even if he hadn’t been able to go, unable to find an excuse to leave his parents, he would’ve still been happy to celebrate with his family. Meanwhile, Roger had always wanted everything to be bigger and grander. His idea of “proper” birthday party was rather different from Brian’s, and as grateful as Brian was to him, he still rather wished Roger hadn’t involved so many people.</p><p>“Don’t blame him. He only told me because I wouldn’t let you lads perform without any good reason.”</p><p>Brian turned back to the bar in surprise. The bartender must’ve seen him staring at Roger. “You didn’t want us?” Brian asked, a little hurt. It was often the case, of course, Smile being a small college band. However, it was mostly Roger who dealt with the rejections, saving Brian from the heartache.</p><p>“Not at first, though now I’m glad I agreed because that was a good show,” the bartender said, sounding honest so that Brian’s soreness was soothed a little. “Roger kept insisting. Eventually, I told him to give me one good reason to change my mind, and he told me that today is your birthday but you needed a reason to celebrate it here with your friends instead of with your parents.” He grinned. “And he promised to have all his friends over to keep the bar busy. That boy is very convincing.”</p><p>Another customer called the bartender away, leaving Brian alone with his shock. He hadn’t told anyone about not being able to find an excuse to not celebrate with his parents – not even Roger. At most, he had turned down Roger’s proposal to drink a pub dry without giving any specific reason why. Brian thought he had hidden his discontent well, but it seemed that he had been wrong. Roger had noticed and even gone out of his way to help him leave his parents today. Now Brian looked at the friends around Roger with different eyes, wondering how many of them Roger had persuaded to come to fulfill his deal with the owner and what kind of promises Roger made to convince them. Brian suddenly recalled what Roger’s mum had said about Roger being fond of him. As much as it made him happy, it baffled and astonished him that Roger might be fond of him <em>this </em>much<em>. </em>Brian knew that Roger was nicer than he showed in from of Brian, but he hadn’t expected Roger to this nice to him.</p><p>“Why are you alone?”</p><p>Brian started at Roger’s sudden appearance and for a moment was absurdly worried that he had spoken his thoughts out loud. But, Roger was looking at him curiously instead of angrily, so fortunately that probably was not the case. “I just need a bit of quiet for a while.”</p><p>Roger didn’t look convinced. “Where’s everyone? For God’s sake, guys.” He glared at their friends’ general directions and scanned the room. “Do you want me to get you company?” he asked in an odd tone.</p><p>“No, it’s fine. Let them…”</p><p>“I mean is there anyone you’re interested in?” Roger interrupted him. The way he spoke was so weird, like he was forcing the words out. He looked as unflappable as ever, but Brian could see that he was straining, his body tense as if he was bracing himself against a blow. “If there’s any <em>girl </em>you like….” Roger clarified through gritted teeth when Brian just stared at him dumbfounded.</p><p>Brian had seen this before. He’d seen the single-minded determination as Roger showered someone with attention and little gifts. He’d seen this level of attentiveness, the close observation and grand gestures to impress. He’d seen the dedication and devotion and resolve to please, followed by the bright burst of pride at every bit of success. He’d seen it before when someone caught Roger’s attention. He’d seen it before when Roger was smitten. Brian thought back on the wonderful birthday he’d had and the secret preparations he had uncovered. Roger had never been this eager to please his friends and Roger’s own mother had told Brian that Roger was fond of him. Brian had been happy to hear that from Roger’s mum – and he still was – but this was something else entirely. He struggled to accept the idea that Roger might be in any way remotely attracted to him – a gangly awkward young man he viciously argued with on almost weekly basis. Roger usually went for pretty cheerful girls, who matched his personality and style – everything Brian wasn’t. How could he possibly be interested in Brian?</p><p>It might be just misunderstanding. These efforts were more covert than anything Brian had ever seen. He was more used to seeing spectacles – climbing buildings to get to one’s third floor balcony, making excuses to call and meet, writing songs to amuse. This was more muted than anything he had seen Roger produce, although the significance was undeniable. There was also the fact that Roger was currently offering to introduce Brian to <em>girls</em>. Brian was far from an expert in seduction and still struggled to strike up a conversation with girls, but he sure would never think to introduce a girl he was interested in to someone else. It was one thing to (admittedly rather pathetically) only admire from afar without ever making a move, and another entirely to introduce her to someone she might like better. Surely this meant Brian had completely misread the situation. Right?</p><p>“No? No,” Brian repeated when he realized he made his answer sounded like a question. “I’m fine. I’ll join you guys in a moment.”</p><p>To unfamiliar eyes, Roger might not react much, but Brian knew better. He saw the lightening of tension around him, the small smile that briefly quirked his lips, the softening of his scowl. Roger complained about him keeping to himself even on his birthday, but before he went away to rejoin his friends, he leaned toward Brian just enough to make their shoulder touch and the familiarity and affection in that little gesture when Roger usually kept their contact to only the necessary spoke volumes. There was a tightening in Brian’s guts, something between happiness and nervousness. After many months of tumultuous relationship punctuated by multitudes of arguments, it was a relief and a joy to know Roger really liked him after all. However, this wasn’t the kind of liking Brian had anticipated. Brian had anticipated good friendship or at least good work relationship. At worst, he had anticipated Roger losing his patience and giving up on him and Smile. He had never – not even in his most anxious overthinking – anticipated being on the receiving end of Roger’s affection.</p><p>Brian turned back to his drink, feeling a little lightheaded. He wished he could blame it on alcohol, but in front of him was the evidence that he had only finished half a pint. He sighed and then, when it didn’t make him feel better, cussed. It still didn’t make him feel better, but he couldn’t do anything more spirited because Freddie was suddenly beside him, chiding him about spending his birthday alone and tempting him to something wild and fun. Brian refused as well as he could and thankfully Freddie seemed to understand and didn’t push, instead gracing Brian with only his company. While Freddie could be overwhelming at times, this time he used his big personality to create a bubble around them, keeping Brian from unwanted attention while still not giving him a chance to feel lonely. His good nature soon had Brian smiling and talking freely, forgetting his troubles. At least he forgot until he turned around and saw Roger looking at him and Freddie with a distinct look of smug satisfaction and Brian realized that this was another one of Roger’s plot, that it wasn’t a coincidence that Freddie suddenly decided to leave his new friends for Brian. Roger quickly looked away, too proud to be caught watching, but Brian knew what he had seen. Brian called the bartender and got himself another pint. This was going to be complicated and he didn’t want to deal with it sober.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's the moon landing chapter. Hopefully it's still 20 July out there somewhere. I’m not going to pretend to understand the scientific and mechanical stuff on the wikipedia page, so if you’re expecting some kind of discussion on that here, you will be very disappointed. But! Emotions and ideas and envisioning shit! I can do those!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sleeping wasn’t as difficult as Brian had initially feared because it was liberally aided by alcohol. Brian barely thought about his discovery of Roger’s feelings when he laid down on the thin mattress beside Roger’s bed. He didn’t have time to feel awkward when Roger climbed into his bed and bid him good night. Brian was immediately asleep and when he woke up late in the day, Roger was gone from the room.</p><p>Slowly, wincing every now and then at loud noises and bright lights, Brian made his way to the rest of the house. He found his friends in various states of pain. There were many moans and groans and complaints, but no one seemed seriously sick, so Brian left them to their own devices, trusting them to inform him if they were really dying. He finally found Roger in the kitchen, languid in his hangover but otherwise alert. His mum seemed to not trust him with cooking, but dishwashing was deemed a safe activity. Her trust was put to test when Roger’s slippery hands dropped a plate and he had to execute some very quick and complicated maneuvers befitting one of the best drummers Brian had seen, to catch the plate before it hit the floor. The safety measure completed successfully, he gingerly put the plate away to dry.</p><p>“Can I help?” Brian offered.</p><p>“Yes,” Roger quickly said before his mum could refuse politely. He moved aside to give Brian space to work. “You can put them in the dish rack after I wash them.”</p><p>Seeing that it was a sensible task for a man still in recovery, Brian agreed. He waited beside Roger while he washed various eating and cooking utensils and put the items away one by one as they were handed to him dripping wet. Roger’s mum thanked him and went back to cooking and the small kitchen was then filled with the soothing noises, warmth, and scents of domesticity. It occurred to Brian that he hadn’t eaten today, but he couldn’t bring himself to move away from the homely scene that felt like a universe away from the rowdiness that surrounded him last night. He looked with interest at the food Roger’s mum was preparing. To his relief, she didn’t prepare as much as she had yesterday, but there was still quite a lot even with six growing boys to feed. As glad as he was at the prospect of eating proper food, he began to worry he had burdened Roger’s mum unnecessarily.</p><p>“Have you eaten anything?” Roger asked, his voice unexpectedly near.</p><p>Brian jumped. “Uh. No, not yet.”</p><p>Roger frowned like Brian had done something to offend him, but it was his mum who told Brian to leave his post and at least get himself some toasts. Brian heeded both the kind woman and his stomach. Once armed with a plate of not-so-warm toasts, he returned to the kitchen, ready to provide assistance should it be required. Both Taylors were quite able in the kitchen (one more so than the other, but, anyway) so Brian was only given minor tasks of putting hot food on plates and stirring bubbling soup. The cooking was finished just as Brian handed his dirty plate to Roger. With a mischievous glint in her eyes, Roger’s mum ordered them to wash the cooking utensils as well. Roger groaned in complaint, so Brian, who felt increasingly indebted to the good woman, nudged him away from his post so he could do the washing while Roger took over his previous duty. The change was welcomed without protest. Brian was glad Roger was willing to put his pride aside this once, although it might be because it was only a dull task that was at stake. Well, Brian didn’t mind, not after everything Roger had done for him. Washing a stack of pots and pans seemed a minor inconvenience compared with all the efforts Roger had put into giving Brian a good birthday.</p><p>Now that Brian remembered what had driven him to drinking harder than he had intended last night, he couldn’t get it out of his head. He watched Roger from the corners of his eyes. He didn’t know what he expected, but he was met with little change from Roger’s usual behaviors. Roger still seemed cool and nonchalant as he stood beside Brian, squinting at something in the distance in a way that always made Brian want to reach out and ruffle his hair. Brian kept his hands on a dirty pan, reminding himself that it would incite a day-long argument. Roger was so proud, Brian thought, so rock ‘n’ roll. It was hard to imagine him being in any way interested in someone like Brian who aside from his skill with the guitar was otherwise reserved and even dull. He’d always gone for fun girls who make parties lively. Even now, after a night of pondering and drinking while pondering, it was still hard for Brian to believe that Roger might be attracted to him at all. Although, Brian could see someone like <em>Brian </em>being attracted to Roger.</p><p>“Seems like you had a lot of fun last night,” Roger remarked, giving Brian an impish look. “You were the last one to wake up.”</p><p>“I did. Thanks to you, I heard.”</p><p>Despite what some people said, Roger wasn’t as stupid or oblivious as he appeared. He immediately understood what Brian meant. “It was your birthday.” His voice was almost sullen, making Brian once again wondered if he had drawn the wrong conclusion.</p><p>Brian scrubbed a pan extra hard to avoid looking at Roger. “You didn’t have to. I’d be happy with a small party at home.”</p><p>“It was nothing,” Roger said with a look that suggested it was <em>something</em>, all but confirming Brian’s suspicion. Then, he blinked and the expression was gone, and Brian was uncertain again. “It was fun. I had a lot of fun.”</p><p>“You looked like you did. I saw you with your friends.” Brian carefully searched for words for his next question, wanting to shed some light on the cause of Roger’s unusual attentiveness to him. “Did you meet anyone interesting? I thought you were with someone, but you just came back with us,” Brian asked, vaguely recalling luxurious dark hair and red lips and youthful face hovering constantly near Roger.</p><p>“Can’t really be with anyone when you’re here with me. Staying at my place, I mean. I can’t leave you guys and I can’t exactly bring anyone here. I don’t think you’d want to see that,” Roger added. He didn’t say much, but the quickness of the addition hinted the truth and the grim twist of his lips after said the rest.</p><p>The youthful devotion was a familiar sight, but the cold resignation that accompanied it was as unexpected as it was unwanted. Roger really was into Brian, but he didn’t expect to have his feelings returned. And who could blame him when Brian had only ever shown interest in girls? Brian rarely had the courage to act on that interest, but the fact remained that although he was more comfortable around men, he had never seen them as potential romance. Roger knew it, knew he likely didn’t have any chance with him, and still gave Brian so much, made so much effort despite knowing there would be no reward beside Brian’s friendly gratefulness. The giving itself was the reward for Roger and how many people could say that? If he were in Roger’s shoes, Brian would go away to lick his wounds when he realized that his feelings weren’t returned. Brian would like to think he was a good man, but not so good – or at least not so masochistic – as to keep showering someone with affection when he would receive nothing but heartache in return. Yet, that was what Roger was doing for him, proving wrong people’s accusations that he only cared for self-gratification. Roger was strong, so Brian wouldn’t dream of offering him support and consolation without being asked, but Brian still ached for him.</p><p>“And mum won’t be happy to find a stranger at home,” Roger continued unaffected.</p><p>“You haven’t told her what you get up to in London?” Brian asked to distract himself from the urge to comfort Roger.</p><p>Roger grinned. “I think she already knows. But, what she doesn’t see won’t hurt her! Anyway, aren’t you excited for tonight?” He rolled his eyes when Brian looked at him blankly. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about the moon landing.”</p><p>“Oh!” Brian exclaimed, immediately distracted by the mention of his passion. “Yes! Does the newspaper say anything about it? There were so many speculations yesterday.”</p><p>“That’s all the newspaper talks about today. They sure make it sound exciting.”</p><p>The rest of the world was temporarily forgotten as Brian explained why it <em>would </em>be exciting. He ran through every scenario the anxious public had thrown and a few more academicians had speculated. It would be exciting for scientific reasons, but hopefully not <em>too </em>exciting or took the tone of action films. Roger looked a little disappointed by this, so Brian quickly tried to revive his interest by telling him various lunar features they could learn and valuable views from the space. Roger didn’t seem very convinced, but he didn’t interrupt Brian’s lecture except to hope for a safe landing – if a landing was possible at all. After all, while it was fun to imagine something as fantastical as an explosion in space, in reality it would be quite horrific to watch. There were actual lives on the line and their nervous family watching from the earth deserved better than their loved ones’ terrible fates being made into an international spectacle.</p><p>The concern over Roger’s unrequited devotion was forgotten until they headed out of the kitchen together to rejoin their friends and Brian impulsively put his hand on the top of Roger’s head – the only physical gesture of affection that he dared to do because he could pass it off as a joke. Roger gave him a look of half annoyance and half longing, and Brian’s fingers slipped down the soft strands of his short hair, remembering the delicate feelings he must navigate. Roger didn’t seem to notice, occupied with pestering their friends, but beside him Brian looked at the small but not insignificant distance between him and Roger, the best friend he’d had in a long time that he mustn’t get too close to, and felt quite a bit lonely.</p><hr/><p>Brian was proclaimed the local expert on the subject of moon landing and given the best seat in front of the TV. Once his friends had recovered enough from their ills and hunger, they managed to ask questions. Although not as knowledgeable as Brian was in astronomy and all its related sciences, they were very well-versed in popular knowledge and bombarded him with various theories they had heard. Just the amount of explanation he gave them about the possibility of extraterrestrial life on the moon and the protocols should the astronauts found any was enough material to compose a thesis or two. Honestly, Brian didn’t really mind. It was always nice to see people show interest in his field, even if it was only to ask funny questions. He was so used to being an outsider, being too lost in his own too-different world to get along with most. In college, he had finally found like-minded friends, although he still had difficulties keeping up with them. But, music, Smile, saved him by giving him something to talk about and relate to beside the academics, and now here he was: watching moon landing with friends he had never thought he would ever acquire.</p><p>Roger planted himself beside Brian, cheering or silencing the small audience as necessary. Now that Brian was aware of his motive, he was conscious of the sitting arrangement and what it might do to Roger. He tried to give up his prime position, but it only invited Freddie to sit on his other side to keep him from going anywhere as they needed his expertise. Roger’s mum and sister were no help, watching the sitting arrangement debate with amusement, while the rest of the group found themselves seats and positions of varying levels of comfort. In the end, the argument was stopped by the live footage. Brian fell quiet at the first sight of the moon, so close he could almost reach it, so real in front of his eyes, no longer an abstract description in words or blurry images on papers or a distant sight through the telescope. He was suddenly a little choked up and quietly let Roger have his way, only vaguely aware of their sides pressing and Roger’s hand close to his knee.</p><p>Whether or not everyone in the audience understood the complexity of the scientific feat they were about to make, they certainly were aware of the risks. They spoke in hushed tones now, both admiring and fearing. No one dared to speak of the grim possibilities they had almost gleefully entertained earlier, now that they fully realized that there were actual people out there in the space who were risking their lives for this experience. Every now and then, someone would ask questions and Brian would answer absentmindedly. He knew he tended to drone on and on when it came to his favorite subjects, but no one complained this time (except for one short protest that Roger quickly quenched with a sharp hush.) The room had their eyes trained to the screen, little aware of anything else, and only remembered to nibble on the various snacks Roger’s mum had kindly provided or to dash to the loo. It wasn’t to say they didn’t have fun, but there was a thick layer of anxiety in the room, where both optimism and pessimism battled for supremacy, the result of which was to be determined by three lucky people in the darkness of space beyond what anyone’s senses could perceive and imagination could wander.</p><p>Time moved slowly, but then all of a sudden, very quickly. At first only Brian seemed to notice, but a frightened hush enveloped the room as they all saw the fuel indicator. It kept getting lower and lower and by each minute, each second that the lunar vehicle didn’t land, they were increasingly aware of the perils the men were in, far from help from the blue earth. Brian’s heart leapt to his throat when the indicator showed that only ten percent of fuel was left. There was always a chance of failure – of course there always was – but he wasn’t prepared to see it live, to see how accumulation of years of dreaming come to waste and endangering three lives in the process.</p><p>“What will happen if the fuel runs out before they land?” Freddie asked quietly, nothing at all like his brash self.</p><p>Brian didn’t answer him. He couldn’t. The thought of floating indefinitely in the mysterious abyss of space frightened him to the core. It was beautiful to observe from the safety and warmth of the earth, but to be stuck amid stars and dark matters, planets and galaxies? Brian knew there must’ve been some kind of protocol for that possibility, but it didn’t make him any less uneasy. The astronauts had decided where to land, but this was nothing like parking a car. Precision was more necessary than ever and with every passing second, the fuel lessened. No one spoke when only one digit was shown. Brian didn’t dare to breathe. The astronauts and their technicians on earth sounded perfectly calm, but everyone knew that wasn’t true. Another percent of fuel was gone. Every muscle in Brian’s body was tense as the lunar module lowered, yet the surface of the moon seemed too far away to be covered by that paltry eight percent. Almost there now. Almost there.</p><p>A great cheer erupted when the module touched down. There were shouts, cries, and even sobs around. We’re on the moon, they said. We’re up there on the moon! They kept turning to the screen to make sure that their eyes weren’t deceiving them, but there it was, the lunar module had landed with only eight percent of its fuel left. The TV announcer confirmed it tearfully afterward and there was another cheer in the room. Brian heaved a great sigh of relief. His lungs were burning (how long had he held his breath?) and so were his eyes, but he was smiling, albeit shakily. Tension loosened around his body as the celebratory mood sank into him. He clenched his hand in order to get rid of the remaining stiffness of staying in one position for too long, and found that it was not empty. Brian looked down and found to his surprise that at one point he had held Roger’s hand. He gripped it so very tightly between them that it must hurt, but Roger was all grins and jokes beside him.</p><p>“Sorry,” Brian said, quickly letting go of his hand.</p><p>“It’s fine,” Roger replied easily. He looked to the screen again and smiled. “We’re really up there on the moon, huh?”</p><p>“Yes, kind of. They’re going to try to <em>walk </em>on the moon next.”</p><p>After the success of the difficult landing, nothing seemed impossible. There was general optimism in the room about the chances of walking on the moon. Roger and his sister disappeared briefly to bring out beer for everyone (and wine for Roger’s mum). They drank and ate noisily, recounting the historic moment they had shared together. Brian was swept right up into the small party, for a moment forgetting that he was an academician, only caring that he was human. The TV showing that they weren’t the only ones celebrating further impressed that sensation. There was a political element to this attempt, as Roger repeatedly reminded them, but it felt like politics and national pride were put aside tonight. They were all unified by their humanity. All of them related to the clever minds that ran the operation in Houston and the brave men on the moon. Whatever their politics and nationality were, they were human and human were on <em>the moon</em>.</p><p>Again, they watched the screen closely and again, Brian’s expert opinion was sought. Now there was a slightly different subject to be discussed: what were the scientific odds of human walking on the moon? A few old newspapers were produced to read sensational articles. Some posited that the astronauts might explode and other gruesome deaths were speculated upon. Brian tried to give a sensible perspective to the fear-mingling, but he had to admit that no one knew for sure because it had never been attempted. To set precedence was a heavy and dangerous task. Tim patted Brian’s knee and told him that he was glad that Brian wasn’t advanced enough to be up there with the astronauts, but Brian couldn’t decide whether he agreed or not. On one hand, it would be a dream come true to walk among the stars and planets. But, on the other hand, the unknown worried him. The astronauts had been prepared by the best experts in the world, but no one could really account for everything. There was always a chance of something not going right and Brian wondered if he could be smart and collected enough to deal with a life-threatening emergency if he were in their position.</p><p>Midnight came and went, yet no one even hinted about going to bed. All eyes were on the TV screen as the astronauts prepared to leave their module to walk (walk!) on the moon surface, being the first to do so. Brian got restless as the moment dragged on, bouncing his leg slowly before stopping when it inadvertently brushed against Roger’s. But, even the contact only managed to grab a tiny portion of his attention. The latch door opened and his hand twitched. He had just the presence of mind to not hold Roger’s hand again, but the tension was building up heavily inside him that he had to do something about it lest he burst. Brian was holding his breath when the first astronaut slowly made his way down the ladder. Only sparing a little thought, he gripped Roger’s bony knee tightly to release some of the tension suffocating him. One more step and they would be on the moon. One more step and humanity would be on the moon.</p><p>
  <em>That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.</em>
</p><p>Unlike before, there was no eruption of cheers and shouts. The captivated audience stared at the silver screen, disbelieving, as the astronauts descended onto the moon one by one. There was no sign of explosion that some had speculated or any other terrible fate others had prophesized. The astronauts walked and jumped about the moon seemingly without efforts, cracking jokes and making somber observations. There was strangeness in the way they moved to remind the audience that this was indeed not the earth but an alien terrain. The image wasn’t perfect, but just the knowledge that these men were up there, closer to the stars than any man had ever been was enough for Brian. Some poets had written about how humanity was floating among the planets and stars, but it never really dawned on Brian that it was true until now. They truly were living among the stars, a blue planet among many mysteries and unknowns on the space. The vastness of the universe was never more apparent than this moment, yet everything seemed within reach at the same time. They had been to the moon now. Where would they go next? What new thing would they learn?</p><p>“We’re on the moon,” Brian whispered in awe.</p><p>No one seemed to hear him. At least no one responded to him. With difficulty, Brian peeled his eyes away from the TV screen and turned to his closest person in the room, needing to share the significance of the moment with someone. He turned to Roger beside him and his breath was caught as he was greeted by a look of unconcealed wonder and amazement. Roger didn’t even pay attention to him, his eyes were on the men on the moon, and it didn’t matter whether or not he shared Brian’s specific sentiments about the moment. His eyes glowed with the light from the screen and his mouth was slightly open with disbelief, his illuminated pale skin reminiscent of the moon. There was none of the pride and coolness he usually served people around him, just naked emotions he showed rarely and only to select few, and Brian was struck by untold adoration.</p><p>Finally, realizing that Brian was looking at him, Roger flicked his eyes away from the screen. “We are,” he replied as quietly. There was a brief second of hesitation, but then his closed his hand over Brian’s on his knee. He gently squeezed it as he smiled, proud and happy, partly for mankind, but mostly for Brian.</p><p>Brian turned his eyes back to the screen as soon as Roger removed his hand. However, Brian’s thoughts were now divided. He was more aware now of the presence beside him. More than that, he <em>became </em>aware of the throb deep in his chest, a heat pulsing like the brightest star. On the moon, the astronauts continued to explore and on earth, Brian was overwhelmed by gratefulness that he shared the moment not with his parents or his professors, but the person who mattered the most in his life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Despite not understanding half of the things I write here, I actually enjoy this chapter. Some details are from a documentary to celebrate the 50th anniversary of moon landing last year, so I may (probably) have gotten some details wrong. There's some debate about what exactly Neil Armstrong said when he first stepped on the moon, but I decided to go with what most people heard rather than what we later found out he actually said (he said "That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Most people missed the "a.")</p><p>Next chapter is the last and it's basically half of this whole fic. I'm so sorry. It's smutty, so I'm gonna take a while editing that out. I'll hopefully post it around Friday.</p><p>Stay safe, stay at home if you can, stay informed. Feel free to talk to me on tumblr if you need company. I can be found on <a href="http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is long and about half of it is smut, which I hope is hot enough because my brain isn't quite right this week. For the sake of this fic, let's pretend Freddie hasn't joined Ibex yet at this point and there are most probably other inaccuracies, too, but plot comes first. I actually made a slight miscalculation and thought this chapter happens on Sunday, but no, it's Monday, so everybody skipped their classes that day.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They went to bed very early in the morning and rose late in the day, awakened by the scent of delicious lunch. Bleariness aside, there was a different atmosphere in the air. The moon landing seemed to have inspired a change of attitude. When mankind had been to the moon, what was impossible? They gathered around the TV after lunch, contemplatively watching various interviews and celebrations of the historic event across the world. Freddie was the first to spoke up.</p><p>“I’m going to audition for a band. They need a singer and I want to join them.”</p><p>Freddie had often talked about being a “pop star” but had kept it mostly as an abstract dream to contemplate once in a while. This was the first time (since Brian knew him, at least) that he made a concrete plan to reach that goal. There were noises of approval from around the room, echoing Brian’s own sentiments. Encouraged, Freddie grinned and started plotting something nefarious for the audition with Roger. Distracted by the mischievous glint in Roger’s eyes, Brian only absently listened to the plans his other friends made. They usually had rather sensible plans for their futures, but the moon landing had shifted something in them and they were now talking about frankly far-fetched dreams they wouldn’t have otherwise entertained. “World-renowned” was said a few times. Even sensible Tim decided that he would be a respected designer. The steps they planned to take to reach their dreams were rather blindly optimistic, but it only took one small step for mankind to walk on the moon after all.</p><p>“What about you, Bri?” Tim asked.</p><p>Jolted away from Roger and Freddie’s plan for a dramatic arrival to the audition to make an impression, Brian stammered. “I…” He was going to say he wanted to be an astrophysicist – the effort to get to that point alone would be enough to make it equal to the wild dreams his friends had shared. Besides, Brian <em>was</em> studying the science and it <em>was</em> his passion – he really loved knowing the universe better, understanding what had happened millions of years ago and what was happening millions of light years away. Only a few months ago, it had seemed perfect, or at least good enough, but now it felt… lacking. It felt like something was missing. He wanted more than an academic career, more than his academic dreams. He wanted to <em>be</em> more.</p><p>On impulse, Brian turned to Roger. He was prone to overthinking, but Roger was good at making quick decisions and then solving the resulting problems along the way. Brian found Roger watching him, waiting for his answer. It reminded Brian of moments on stage that were some of the happiest in Brian’s life. Those moments felt like he had accomplished something, like he had done something great, something to be proud of and to be admired for. More than once he had stood before a modest audience and wished the performance would never end. Although Brian was embarrassed to admit it, he had dreamt of performing in front of bigger audience of hundreds or thousands. Just the thought of it excited him. Imagine the adrenaline rush from performing in front of that kind of huge crowd, from having them knowing and liking him and his works, from them shouting his name and jumping along to his songs! How wonderful it would be to experience it for real!</p><p>“I want to be a professional musician,” he answered quietly, looking down at his lap. He spoke it tentatively. It was a dream shared by many, but only few managed to realize. Brian had the will to get it and he liked to think he had the skills to reach it, but were they enough? Was he good enough? Just because three extraordinary men had managed to walk on the moon, it didn’t mean every dreamer’s dream would come true.</p><p>“I want to be a famous and popular drummer!” Roger declared unprompted.</p><p>This was not surprising and neither was the confidence with which Roger stated it. Brian lifted his eyes to meet Roger’s and Roger smiled to him, and the sight struck Brian as familiar. How many times had this happened in the past few months? Their eyes had met in darkened pubs, across trembling cymbals and too-hot spotlights, brief and wordless but somehow more than enough to make them understand each other perfectly. Roger’s rapid fire, exuberant drumming provided the perfect rhythm for the melodies Brian made with the Red Special, making a complete music Brian had often coveted but hadn’t thought possible. Even with youthful optimism, Brian hadn’t expected much when he published a call for audition citing the names of his favorite drummers – he knew they were exceptional drummers among thousands of ordinary ones. But, somehow Roger met his expectations and <em>then </em>exceeded it. He was everything Brian hadn’t realized he wanted, everything Brian hadn’t thought possible. Brian wanted to share the stage with him for as long as he could. He wanted to be by Roger’s side for as long as Roger would have him. He wanted to be with Roger.</p><p>The thought came unbidden, quick and bright as lightning. The burst of shock it produced propelled Brian to his feet and he made excuses to leave the room. He ignored Roger’s questioning look and sought refuge in the kitchen. There, Brian got a glass of water to calm himself down, but it had little effect, so he got himself another. He had come to Cornwall intending to enjoy his birthday with his friends, one of whom was a young man who was fast becoming one of the best friends Brian had ever had. Brian liked Roger very much and was growing more and more attached to him. Finding out that Roger loved him hadn’t changed that significantly, except making him worry that he would inadvertently hurt Roger. But, not wanting to hurt a friend – and wanting to make that friend happy – was very different from loving said friend. And Brian loved Roger. Brian might doubt himself often, but not this time. It was clear as day, written in bold font, capitalized, and then underlined, undeniable as the rotation of the earth and its revolution around the life-giving sun. Brian loved Roger and the more he thought of it, the more inescapable the truth became, rooting deeper and deeper into his heart, scorching his spirit to leave everlasting marks, searching his soul to hold it in its gentle but fiery grip and never let go – not without causing devastation, not without tearing Brian down.</p><p>Brian knew he was a romantic. He knew he tended to idealize the girls he admired. He knew he wasn’t always sensible when it came to the promise of love. He knew he was lonely and hungry for a company. Brian had only known Roger for a couple of months when he started seeing him as something divine. Roger was different, determined to live in his own fast-paced and reckless way, indifferent to the gaze of others and yet eager for the accolade of many. His confidence in his choices in life and perseverance when facing their consequences inspired admiration. Brian watched Roger as he watched an idol, with awe and reverence, although he was never (too proud) to be down on his knees. Many times he caught himself thinking of or looking at Roger with tireless adoration, blind to or quick to forgive any fault. Brian had lost count of the number of times he hesitated touching Roger, sure his fingertips would burn, certain he wasn’t deserving. Countless of times he had thought himself lucky to have met Roger and to be considered a friend by him, to be allowed to spend time with him when he could be with more exciting people.</p><p>That was wrong. Brian knew it was, was often reminded of it when he forgot. He put Roger on a pedestal as often as he was reminded that Roger was only human. Their arguments, squabbles and fights painted a portrait of not a flawless marble statue fit for a temple, but a flesh and blood man. Whenever Brian’s romantic imaginings made a perfect figure out of Roger, he was forced to see Roger with his eyes wide open and without rose-tinted glasses. He was made to see that Roger was flawed to the bone. He saw the boy Roger was growing out of and the man he was growing into. He saw the flaws, the issues, the potentials for disasters. He saw someone who lived for the moment and only passingly thought of permanence. He saw everything, saw the human, saw the friend and opponent, saw the ally and enemy. Brian tried to use these to reorient himself. He reminded himself of the many girls he had watched from afar and the few girls he had dared to approach. He reminded himself of why he was drawn to them in the first place. He reminded himself of their homeliness, of how he could imagine introducing them to his parents, of the quiet families he had wanted to build with them. Brian contrasted them with wild, unpredictable, temperamental Roger with his sharp tongue and sharper wits, pride and recklessness, penchant for loud music and bright lights, and, to Brian’s horror, still found Roger appealing, still found him captivating, still found himself inexplicably in love with him.</p><p>His glass was empty, but Brian had no memory of drinking. He refilled it and this time took a deliberate sip of the water. Perhaps he had gone about it the wrong way around. Perhaps instead of listing all the ways Roger was the wrong person to love (because each item seemed increasingly insignificant,) Brian should instead think of what he wanted in a lover. Connection, his mind supplied immediately, desperately longing as always. It was terribly senseless and romantic for an astrophysics student, but Brian wanted a transcendental relation, someone who saw through him and reached into him, someone he could relate to like they were two parts of the same soul. He dreamt of instant connection, of one look and immediate understanding, of few words and infinite affection. He longed for someone to hear what he didn’t say, see what he didn’t show, know what he couldn’t articulate, sense what he couldn’t define. He yearned to love and be loved by, not a copy of himself, but <em>definitely</em> his equal. Someone in whom he could see enough of himself to feel comfortable in the familiarity, while at the same time was different enough that he could marvel at endearing strangeness and oddities. Brian had never found anyone like that and might never find them.</p><p>Or maybe he had. Because Brian remembered going to the Jazz Club Room a few months ago and finding a friend unlike any friend he had ever had before. He remembered two individual styles merging into one cohesive sound, big and loud and musical, with hardly any effort at all. He remembered being on stage together for the first time and thinking this was the sound and performance he had always dreamt of making. He remembered the breathless moment after their first gig when he looked at Roger and thought he wanted to do this, share moments like this, work like this, be together like this, for a very long time. Brian saw a lot of himself in Roger and that was the source of their many squabbles. But, they were opposite enough that Brian’s strengths were Roger’s weaknesses, while Brian’s deficiencies Roger was rich in. Brian had never felt more complete than when he was with Roger, whether performing, talking, fighting, or even doing nothing.</p><p>Brian thought back on the past couple of days. He had been grateful when he noticed the efforts, then awkward when he found out the motivation behind it. Now, Brian viewed everything in a different light. He now saw the significance of Roger knowing his unhappiness over spending his birthday with his parents without Brian ever saying a word of it. He realized the little things – the extra cream bun Roger had given him because “it had been his birthday,” the fact that despite being surrounded by friends Roger had noticed that he had been lonely in the pub, the way Roger had made Freddie kept him company, the silence Roger had enforced when Brian was absorbed in watching the moon landing, the dream Roger had loudly and brazenly shared when Brian was tentative about speaking his out loud. In each of those times, Roger had known what Brian had needed without them ever saying a thing. He had noticed what many overlooked. Then, he had given Brian just what he needed without Brian needing to ask. There must have been other times, too, before that, that Brian hadn’t noticed, little things that felt as natural as his heart beating that he had taken for granted. There had always been understanding of each other even as they were shouting and arguing with each other. There was sweetness in reconciliation, in knowing each other better and regaining a companion like no other. There <em>hadn’t </em>been loneliness, not even for a passing second, when Roger was with him, making him laugh, think, sigh, argue, live. The past two days had been the happiest days of Brian’s life. The past few <em>months</em> had been the happiest months of his life because now there was Roger there with Brian. Because now he wasn’t alone. Because now he had the one person he had longed for.</p><p>Brian smiled into his glass of water as the recognition and acceptance of his feelings spread over him lazily but surely like summer wind. His smile widened when he looked up and saw Roger entering the kitchen. He looked indifferent, but Brian knew better now and saw that it was concern for Brian that had brought him there. Happiness unfurled like a flower in Brian’s chest, colored with new love he cherished like nothing before.</p><p>“We’re going back tomorrow,” Roger informed him after getting a glass of orange juice. “I was planning to go tonight – we’ve all skipped our classes today – but we’re all still tired and I think the lads still want to watch TV.”</p><p>Brian nodded and thought of the sight he slept to last night: Roger’s arm dangling out of his small bed as if reaching for Brian. How would Roger have reacted if Brian had taken his hand? “Does anyone have any class in the morning?”</p><p>“Yeah, but they’re happy to miss it.” Roger grinned.</p><p>“Of course.” Brian chuckled.</p><p>“I guess you can’t wait to go back and discuss the moon landing in your classes and with your dad.”</p><p>Brian thought of everything he had learnt in the past two days and shook his head. “I want to discuss it, but I can wait. I’ve really enjoyed myself. I’ve been very happy.” Brian smiled, thinking of the gift Roger had given him just by being near. The love he had shown Brian without expecting anything. “Thank you, Rog.”</p><p>“You’re welcome,” Roger returned, looking satisfied with himself.</p><p>For a moment, Brian hesitated, but then he gathered up his courage, his love, his very flawed offerings, and clasped Roger’s shoulder. The gesture was friendly, but meant everything when Brian lingered and Roger let it. There was no venomous complaint or stuttering apology. Brian’s fingers didn’t burn although his heart felt hot with the amount of affection it contained. Slowly, Brian pulled his hand away and this time he noticed Roger leaning toward him, as if chasing his touch.</p><p>Brian smiled wider, bashful and happy at once. “Let’s go back before Freddie moves everyone here.”</p><p>They walked side by side to the living room. Brian fought not to touch Roger, but just feeling his warmth through their clothes was enough, just catching his eyes was enough, just seeing his smile was enough. Brian usually preferred to let relationship flourish (or wither) naturally and take his time, but he found that he couldn’t this time. Impatience burnt inside him, fueled by ever-present anxiety. Brian must let Roger know. He must let Roger see that his feelings weren’t unreturned. Brian would-<em>must</em> tell Roger tonight.</p>
<hr/><p>Roger’s mum was perfectly kind and understanding about the extended stay, preferring her son to drive alert rather than tired. The group enjoyed their last night in the comfort of a home, not knowing when they would be able to experience it again. Smile had many gigs in the area thanks to Roger’s extensive connection there, but they were only a small college band and these gigs didn’t come regularly. Brian would miss spending time at Roger’s mum’s, even if she made him nervous sometimes. Currently, she was marveling how perfectly pressed Freddie’s trousers were, however, and Brian could only find her bafflement and Roger’s amusement nice and comforting. His eyes met Roger’s a few times and although they smiled to each other no more than the usual, there was a frisson of excitement running down Brian’s spine. He surreptitiously looked at the clock, counting the minutes to privacy in the darkness of Roger’s room.</p><p>But, time, as it always did whenever one was looking forward to something, crawled. There was packing to be done and much groaning and moaning to share. Most of them were reluctant to return to their academic life. Brian was the exception, but he kept that opinion to himself, although he was sure most of his friends already knew it. Freddie joked about looking forward to songs about moon landing and Brian seriously considered making one. Unfortunately for both of them, he was currently too distracted to be inspired to come up with even a line. Brian watched longingly as Roger went to meet some friends for the last time before he returned to London. Brian wanted to come with him, knowing that once they left Cornwall, they wouldn’t be able to spend as much time together. Even with regular band practice and song writing sessions, they led separate lives and Brian was eager to enjoy every second of togetherness while he could. He stayed back, however, not wanting to interrupt Roger’s tireless pursuit of pleasures.</p><p>It occurred to Brian when Roger returned with beer for all of them that Brian was very calm and optimistic about his chances. He’d never felt this way before with his few girlfriends, had always been wracked by uncertainty even after they agreed to go out with him. But, with Roger, Brian was completely sure of himself. Perhaps it was because he already knew Roger’s feelings for him, but there was something else. They were good friends, not just close acquaintances, and whatever happened – even if Roger for some reasons denied his own feelings – Brian was confident that he wouldn’t lose his closest friend. It would be fine whatever the outcome would be. He would still in some ways have Roger with him. He wouldn’t be abandoned. He wouldn’t be lonely. And Brian was fully satisfied with this undisputable certainty.</p><p>At last (at last!) bedtime came. Brian couldn’t remember ever being this excited to go to bed. Some final planning was made before they all retired to the bedrooms. Roger dropped onto his bed and stretched his limbs luxuriously. Brian followed him closely, laying down on his mattress beside the bed and waiting. The lights were turned off, leaving the room softly illuminated only by the streetlamps outside. There were faint noises from around the house, but they gradually lowered into whispers that eventually went silent as all the house’s occupants fall asleep or tried to fall asleep.</p><p>“We’re invited to perform again at the pub,” Roger said. He rolled to his side to peer down at Brian and smiled smugly. “Seems like people really like us.”</p><p>“Oh! That’s great! When?”</p><p>Roger shrugged. “I said I’ll get back to them about that. We still have a few gigs to do and we can’t keep skipping classes.”</p><p>Unable to say he didn’t mind skipping classes, Brian asked instead, “why didn’t you tell Tim earlier?”</p><p>“I’ll tell him when I have a better idea about when it’s going to be,” Roger replied dismissively. “By the way, my friends asked if you plan to grow your hair. They think it’ll look really cool longer.”</p><p>Brian touched his hair self-consciously. He had just stopped taming it with various oils and gels for a year or so, and started to tentatively grow it. Brian had seen now that hair like his could be cool, but he was still unsure. He had never been cool and didn’t know if this was the right way to go about it. He knew for sure his parents didn’t really approve of long hair, so frankly he had been debating the idea of cutting it a little. “They do?”</p><p>“Yeah! You could look like Jimi Hendrix!”</p><p>Roger had a little thing for hair. Brian discovered it by accident a couple of months after their first meeting when they were hanging out at his place and Roger suddenly ruffled his hair in what could almost be described as childish curiosity. This time, too, Roger reached down to touch Brian’s hair, fingers sliding through and down the curly crop. It was too short for lingering touch and Brian promptly decided against getting a haircut.</p><p>“It’ll look nice shoulder-length,” Roger said thoughtfully. He caressed the ends gently, then pulled his hand away. “I think I’ll grow my hair, too. What do you think?”</p><p>Brian imagined Roger’s golden hair falling long around his face and down his shoulders in waves and smiled. “You always look good, Rog,” he said fondly.</p><p>That was the truth. Brian had yet to see Roger looking bad, no matter what style of clothes he experimented with. Sometimes, Brian joked about Roger’s sense of fashion, but it was only because he wished he had the courage to experiment and the looks to wear the most ridiculous outfit and still be the most attractive man in the room. At worst, Brian thought Roger looked a little silly, but he personally believed it reflected Roger’s personality well, so he wouldn’t call it bad. Brian was sure Roger knew this. However, the silence that greeted this heartfelt answer indicated that this wasn’t an answer Roger had expected at all. Brian peered up, wishing he could see Roger instead of just his silhouette. But, even though Brian couldn’t see much more than a blue-ish shadow, he was still able to sense Roger’s cautiousness. Roger must’ve realized that they were approaching a delicate topic that he had carefully kept close to himself. If left to him, Brian knew Roger would break the moment by making jokes to save them both from potential awkwardness. Usually, Brian would be grateful for such intervention, but not this time. This time, Brian was determined to have this conversation, to tell Roger how he felt and what he meant for Brian.</p><p>“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”</p><p>“It’s nothing,” came the quick reply. Brian could hear the edge of tension in Roger’s voice, uncertainty of what this conversation would lead to.</p><p>“I know it’s not nothing. I….” The shadow on the bed shifted back as if Roger was recoiling from him. Brian’s courage failed him suddenly. What was he saying? What was he offering? Roger wasn’t looking for commitment. Brian didn’t know how long he had loved Brian, but it hadn’t kept him from girls. Just a couple of days ago Brian even saw him flirt with someone! Roger didn’t go with her or bring her back, which was a significant thing for him. But, what exactly was Brian expecting by telling him that Brian loved him? Did he want Roger to abandon girls entirely for <em>him</em>? Someone who wasn’t half as fun as those Roger tended to gravitate to? Maybe Roger hid his feelings for a reason. Maybe Brian should keep quiet about how he felt for him. But, swallowing back the words on the tip of his tongue was painful. They clogged his throat, stuffing his chest. Brian curled his hands into fists, wanting to reach out to his best friend and find the safety and comfort no one else could provide him. “If… if it is something. If it’s something for you,” he repeated, then took a deep shuddering breath, his aching heart pounding wildly in his chest. “Then, it’s something for me, too,” he said tentatively.</p><p>Brian’s heartbeats were loud in his ears, almost deafening. The shadow in the bed was unmoving and this time Brian was grateful for the darkness. It was easier when he couldn’t see and analyze every minute shift of Roger’s expression. Although, even without visual aid, he could still sense the shock emanating from Roger and the prolonged suspense was slowly igniting Brian’s nerves. He started fidgeting, wondering if he should take his words back and apologize, then pretend nothing had happened at all. He didn’t want to. He was sure he would burst if he had to keep his feelings to himself while staying close to Roger. It was true that Brian had hidden his feelings for others before, but they weren’t Roger, they weren’t his closest friend, they were distant romanticized figures instead of a real flawed but lovable person. Brian didn’t think he could live pretending this moment never happened. But, if that was what Roger wanted, if that was what it took to keep Roger with him…</p><p>“Fuck,” Roger said in an explosive exhalation. He sat up and blindly made to grab Brian. “Get up here. Where are…”</p><p>Brian scrambled to sit up and leaned up. By a stroke of luck, their lips collided, a little off center, but that was easy to remedy. Roger grabbed the back of Brian’s neck and Brian licked the seam of Roger’s lips, asking entry that Roger granted with an eager grunt. Roger tasted like toothpaste and kissed like he tried to map every inch of Brian’s mouth. Brian panted in the split second their lips parted, then dove in for a deeper kiss, wet and hungry and yearning. A strong hand tugged him up and Brian complied awkwardly, climbing up to the bed without separating from Roger’s sweet mouth. The bed creaked under them as Brian found himself on his side with his arms full of his… best friend? Boyfriend? Roger. <em>His</em> Roger. The thought made him deepen the kiss, memorizing every inch of Roger’s mouth he could while Roger did the same, licking his soft palates to draw out muffled sighs and moans from him.</p><p>Brian ran his hands over Roger’s back, feeling the flex of his muscles as he pulled Brian closer, his growing erection pressing against Brian’s hip. Brian pulled away with a gasp, suddenly aware of the direction this was heading and his own hardening cock pressing against Roger. Not dissuaded, Roger nipped and mouthed Brian’s neck, leaving wet patches he would smear with his lips not a second later. Brian arched his back and hesitantly ground his cock against Roger, unsure if this was welcomed. But, there was no need to be worried. This was rewarded by hands slipping into his shirt, feeling along his back and holding his waist to guide the rocking of his hips. Brian moaned, slipped his fingers into Roger’s short hair and drew him into a wet kiss, brief with how much he was gasping as he was led to rut on Roger’s thigh.</p><p>“I love you,” Roger breathed. He buried his face in the crook of Brian’s neck and lightly licked and sucked a patch of skin there. “I’ve loved you for a long time.”</p><p>Brian’s fingertips dug into Roger’s back as his hips gave an involuntary jerk. He blinked away the mistiness in his eyes. “I love you, too, Rog.” He bent down to kiss Roger’s temple, the closest part of him he could reach.</p><p>Roger said nothing, but pressed his lips firmly on Brian’s neck, then tugged his shirt up. Brian complied, letting Roger take it off. He did the same to Roger and flung the shirt into the darkness. Then, there was blissful warmth of skin on skin. Brian ran his hands down Roger’s sides, marveling the leanness of him, while Roger gripped Brian’s shoulders and tipped his head back to breathe heavily. Not missing the invitation, Brian pressed close to tenderly map Roger’s body with his hands and mouth, caressing and kissing every inch of him he could reach. He paused near Roger’s nipple, wondering how sensitive it was and how far Roger would allow him to explore. He brushed his lips against it, just the barest of touch, and earned himself a sigh and tightening grips on his shoulders. Encouraged, Brian closed his mouth over the bud. He tried not to compare Roger with the girls Brian had been with and focused on what Roger liked, lapping on it generously while listening intently to Roger’s silent exhalations and moans. When it was thoroughly wet and hard, he nipped his way to its twin, possibly (hopefully) leaving pink little marks on Roger’s heaving chest. Roger gasped when this time Brian daringly closed his teeth over the bud. The bite was gentle, careful, but Roger’s hips jerked sharply, the hard outline of his cock digging into Brian’s hip. Brian groaned into the abused flesh. How did Roger look in a lover’s embrace? Did his fair skin flush? Did his sharp look soften? Brian cursed the darkness and expressed his regret with a harsh suck on Roger’s tender nipple that made Roger arch his back sharply with a whine.</p><p>“I wish I could see you,” Brian lamented, brushing his lips on the center of Roger’s chest and caressing his side. He kissed the abused nipple softly and licked it in apology. “I want to see you.”</p><p>“Wait.”</p><p>Brain froze, afraid that he had crossed an unknown line. But, Roger only blindly reached out over him to the table lamp on the bedside drawer. A short second later, the room was awash in soft light and Brian could see above him the result of his exploration. Roger’s pale skin was dotted with pink where Brian had applied his mouth and tongue. His nipples were hard and slightly damp from Brian’s ministration, too. As Brian had imagined, a lovely flush had spread over Roger’s complexion, tempting him. Brian didn’t try to fight the temptation, not when a fat bead of wetness rose to the tip of his cock at the sight. Instead, he pulled Roger down so he could fasten his mouth on Roger’s slender neck. Brian didn’t dare to leave a mark where anyone could see, but he delighted himself in Roger’s soft moans when he licked and mouth the sensitive skin over his drumming pulse, and the impatient way Roger ground his hard cock on Brian’s hip.</p><p>The bed creaked in protest when Brian guided them back to their sides. A quick arrangement of long legs later, they found a mutually pleasing way to rock against each other. They kissed passionately as they ground their cocks on hip and thigh, to relieve and worsen the passion burning in their veins. Even with fabrics in the way, the heat between them grew with each eager rub. Brian could feel his underwear getting damper by the second as his throbbing cock spilled near-constantly under the onslaught of pressure, caresses, proximity, and hungry kisses. He wondered if Roger felt the same and tentatively slipped the tips of his fingers into Roger’s soft trousers in a questioning quest. He shuddered when he touched the soft tip, wet with clear fluid he suddenly wanted to taste. Moaning softly, Brian shifted down, eager to take Roger into his mouth, feel the weight of him on his tongue, despite having no experience. Brian could learn. He wanted to learn. He wanted to find out everything Roger liked and how to make him come. He needed to know how to make Roger fall apart under his hands and mouth and tongue, and cock. The bed groaned loudly as Brian mouthed at the soft skin just above Roger’s trousers and suddenly Roger grabbed Brian’s upper arm.</p><p>“My mum’s room’s next door,” Roger warned him, glancing to the wall behind him.</p><p>Brian blinked up, then released him awkwardly. “Oh. Sorry.”</p><p>It consoled Brian a little to see Roger frustrated by the stop. Brian sighed in disappointment and pressed a reverent kiss on Roger’s hipbone and tried not to glance lower lest he be tempted to go on despite the potential disaster and embarrassment. Frowning, Roger stroked Brian’s flushed cheek and traced his kiss-swollen lips with callused thumb. For a moment, a surge of lust ran through Brian at the thought of being made to suck Roger off regardless, of keeping as still and quiet as possible while he learnt how to pleasure Roger despite his mum being a wall away. He was a little dazed when he was pulled up so that his face was level with Roger’s again. But, the haze was quickly cleared when Roger pushed his own trousers and underwear down to reveal his cock, gorgeous and red, the tip invitingly shiny and wet. Roger paused as he reached for Brian’s trousers.</p><p>“Is this okay?” he asked, looking at Brian carefully. “We can stop if you want.”</p><p>Considering Brian was only a moment ago on a quest to learn how to blow Roger, this was a rather unnecessary question. Nevertheless, Brian appreciated his concern. He leaned in for a lingering kiss and pushed his trousers and underwear down as well. Roger’s eyes darkened when Brian’s thick cock came into view. “Definitely okay.”</p><p>They both moaned when Roger wrapped his callused hand around both their cocks. Brian’s hand was bigger, his fingers longer, but he was occupied with holding Roger’s bare hip as he shallowly thrust into Roger’s pumping fist. He rested his forehead on Roger’s and looked down, rather in disbelief, at the flushed heads of their cocks side by side. They were both leaking heavily, wetness spilling at every stroke up of Roger’s hand. Roger used the fluid to ease the way, slicking both thick lengths until they almost glistened under the dim light. Brain moaned and captured Roger’s lips in a wet kiss as they both slowly fucked into the tight fist, enjoying the unprecedented pleasure of wet cocks pressing against each other.</p><p>They moved slowly, pausing whenever the bed made a noise under them. It was both a tease and a blessing as Brian was sure he would come much too soon without the interruptions. But, holding back while his balls filled and grew heavy between his legs was a torture. At one such pause, he couldn’t hold back a disappointed groan. Impulsively, he slipped his hand down Roger’s hip to his bottom. Roger’s breath hitched when Brian began to knead his cheek, long fingers teasing the cleft. He buried his face in Brian’s shoulder, partially obscuring Brian’s view of their cocks. But, the loss of the wonderful view of the flared heads of their cocks nudging each other didn’t matter when Roger pushed forward into his own fist and backward onto Brian’s searching fingers. Brian’s cock twitched at the thought of what it might mean, what Roger maybe wanted from him. He groped Roger’s bottom more zealously, imagining burying himself in Roger’s glorious warmth, feeling him open and flutter around him, making him come seated on his cock. But, alongside that fantasy, there was also fear. Brian knew it could hurt (he hadn’t gone to all-boys school to be completely ignorant about this act) and the last thing he wanted was hurting Roger. He hesitantly ran a finger over the soft skin between the cheeks and stopped just as he touched the edge of the tight ring of muscles guarding the entry into Roger’s body. Roger bucked his hips and hissed a curse.</p><p>“Are you going to do it or not?” he demanded.</p><p>Brian looked at him with wide fearful eyes. “I can’t! I don’t want to hurt you!”</p><p>Roger scowled at him and pulled Brian’s hand away from his bottom and put it on their cocks. “Here. I’ll show you how.”</p><p>Brain made a punched-out sound when Roger slather his fingers, sticky with their combined fluid, with saliva. His hand faltered when Roger gave Brian’s flat bottom a quick squeeze (how was that even <em>possible</em>?) then dipped the wet digits between Brian’s cheeks. Roger didn’t tease around and found Brian’s entrance in no time, but he took his time, circling the tight ring and lightly pushing against the clenched center until Brian was unable to keep from grunting and loosening, making way for Roger inside him. Then, one finger slipped in slowly. No force was needed. Brian’s body opened up for Roger before it realized what was happening and Brian clenched up again, pushing into his tightening fist to get away from the intrusion. He gasped when Roger nuzzled his neck and breathed gentle instructions for him to breathe. It was easier said than done, but Brian managed after distracting himself with the pleasure of stroking the wet tips of their cocks with his thumb. He absently smeared the beads of fluid gathering there over velvety skin over and over until Roger was panting even as he carefully moved his fingers in circles, trying to nudge his way further into Brian’s body.</p><p>“It’s easier with proper lube,” Roger taught huskily.</p><p>Brian nodded, not really paying attention to Roger’s breathless lessons. He concentrated on breathing to make himself relax around Roger’s finger. It slipped in a little deeper, then deeper still. Eventually, there seemed to be no way Roger could go any further. His hand curled over Brian’s bottom, one finger caressing his inner walls to softness. It was like being held in a very intimate way. Brian groaned, lifting his leg over Roger’s thigh so that Roger could move his finger in a steady in and out motion, slow, careful, gauging Brian’s reaction to penetration. If this was how it felt with minimum lubrication, Brian was sure Roger wouldn’t mind when he used proper lube. He groaned at the thought of opening Roger up for his cock, stretching him so that he could take the girth and length of him. At the same time, Roger began to crook his finger, searching. Brian let out a short cry, but quickly bit his lip and stilled when the bed creaked under him, as a sharp bolt of lust went through him. He tightened his hand around their cocks instinctively as fluid blurted out from his slit. He dove in for Roger’s red lips as he stroked them faster, hand flying over slick lengths. Both of them were thrusting into his fist now, shallowly as to cause minimum noise, but it was more than enough with the feel of their hard cocks pushing and sliding over each other and the firm hand enclosing them, as well as the sight of the red flared heads of their cocks pushing out of Brian’s fist, dripping all over each other.</p><p>“I’m close,” Brian warned breathlessly.</p><p>Roger nodded, similarly breathless. “Good.” Then, he firmly pressed a spot inside Brian that made his hips jerked erratically before he came heavily on their heaving stomachs.</p><p>The pleasure was intense and prolonged, nothing at all like when Brian touched himself or even when he was with girls. His cock jerked and twitched in his hand as it spurted white seed, some of which coated Roger’s red erection. Brian panted and whimpered as Roger kept caressing the spot that seemed to keep him coming forever until his cock was too sensitive for his own palm and Roger’s cock. Brian was relieved, almost sobbing, when Roger came at last, pushing closer to him with a grunt. His finger stilled inside Brian as he painted their heaving torsos white and thrust languidly into Brian’s slackening fist. Roger breathed harshly when Brian kissed him tenderly, needing a soft kind of intimacy after the intensity. Roger complied without protest, perhaps sweetened by orgasm. He parted his lips for Brian’s questing tongue and carefully extracted his finger, leaving Brian oddly open and empty. When Roger tugged at his arm, Brian realized that he was still holding their softening cocks. A little sheepish, Brian let go and wrapped his arms around Roger instead.</p><p>“Do you mean it?” Brian asked once they’d caught their breaths. “Do you love me?”</p><p>Roger frowned at him, but the full effect was dulled by lassitude brought by recent orgasm. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”</p><p>Brian hid his smile in Roger’s sweaty temple. His chest was warm and it was a wonder that it wasn’t glowing. There was a new weight in his heart, but not a burdening kind. It settled him, serving as anchor for his turbulent mind. Brian’s overactive mind slowed, allowing him to enjoy the moment of pleasure and newfound love. How strange that someone as tempestuous as Roger would calm him, but that was how it was, that was how it <em>always </em>was. It was still so very soon after their confessions, but Brian was never more certain of anything in his life than his love for Roger and his excitement for their future together.</p><p>Once they had gathered their breaths, Roger made a quiet trip to the bathroom to get them wet cloths. After cleaning themselves, they decided to share Brian’s mattress since, although they had done their best to rescue the sheets, neither was particularly eager to spend the night on wet spots. Figuring out the right positions to sleep in the narrow mattress required some negotiation, but eventually tiredness cut the brewing disagreement short. They turned off the light and soon Brian found himself behind Roger, his chest to Roger’s back. He put his hand on Roger’s torso, thinking about the light pink dots he had left on Roger’s skin and the mild soreness where Brian had never been sore before. It made Brian blush and although it was dark and Roger wasn’t looking at him, he buried his face in Roger’s slightly damp hair to hide his face in embarrassment. In front of him, Roger grunted questioningly and Brian blushed a little more when he could feel the vibration through the thin fabrics of their rumpled shirts.</p><p>“This wasn’t what I imagined would happen when I went here a couple of days ago.”</p><p>“Is it better or worse than you imagined?” Roger asked, sounding halfway to sleep.</p><p>“Better,” Brian replied instantly. “Much better.”</p><p>Roger grunted in response and put his hand over Brian’s and laced their fingers together. “Try to sleep. We’re leaving early tomorrow. Can’t have you miss your lectures.”</p><p>Brian smiled widely. Roger had often been secretly considerate to Brian, taking care of him while looking indifferent. It had always pleased Brian whenever he noticed this, made him grateful for having him in his life, for choosing to stay friends with Brian despite their differences. But, Roger’s quiet attention meant something even more significant now that they had their feelings in the open. Now, it shouted love in languages lost to time but still recognizable to lovers like Brian. Now it affirmed what had been there all along but not named, and nurtured the steady grow of affection in the depth of Brian’s soul.</p><p>“I love you,” Brian whispered a length of time later. There was no response. Roger was already sleeping soundly. Brian wasn’t really sleepy yet, but he could feel tiredness and satiation slowly drawing him to dreams. He closed his eyes and let them come as they pleased, content to wait for however long it took, now that he had his love in his arms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Awkward sex is somehow more difficult to write than magically perfect sex. About Brian and connection, I read that somewhere when he described what he looked for in a partner. He said something along the lines of transcendental connection or something. I just remember thinking what on earth is that supposed to mean. </p><p>Anyway, I had fun writing this longer-than-expected fic. I almost titled it '69 but I don't want to imagine the porn bots that name would summon. In any case, I need to explore Smile era Maylor more. </p><p>Taking a super quick break before posting Roger’s birthday fic, which is pure filth. July sure is a busy month for the Queen fandom.</p><p>I can be found on <a href="http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This brought me back to my college days. I still remember waking up at around midnight because I was starving but I rationed my food so I couldn’t eat anything. Water to the rescue! Anyway, food is love. You cannot convince me otherwise. Cream bun! Roger joked in an interview before going to Japan that they would bring a lot of cream buns for Brian because he doesn’t eat seafood. I wasn’t sure whether to write the parents and sister by name or not. I tried it with Roger’s mum because she features heavily in this fic but it sounded strange to me when I only refer to Brian’s parents as his mum and dad because they only show up briefly. I also couldn't decide whether Roger's mum knows about Roger's crush or not, so let's just say she notices some interesting things about her son.</p><p>The next chapter will be shorter and posted in about a couple of days - hopefully when it's still July 20th in some parts of the world.</p><p>Stay safe, stay at home if you can, stay informed. Feel free to talk to me on tumblr if you need company. I can be found on <a href="http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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